my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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