apparently the secret to your success is patron
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
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I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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