I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
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Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
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Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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