i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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