Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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