Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
