so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
