Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
