So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Is it because I queefed?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
