this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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