do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
