im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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