He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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