I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
