I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
