i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
