There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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