Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
3 2 1 whiskey
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
