The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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