i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
