as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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