TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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