Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
