The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you inspire me to be a worse person
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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