So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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