Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
40s are totally the cure
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
