so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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