I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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