i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
