you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
