i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
