Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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