Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
