tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
