he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
