Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
