apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
