when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
