I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
