I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
