Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
