Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
