DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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