Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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