When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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