Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
