thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
