Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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