so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
