My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
