I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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