So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
