Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
