1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize