you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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