Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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