$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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